Online Christmas Magazine

Christmas Gift Ideas for Monsters:
Celebrate a Fun Christmas with these Gift Ideas
By David Lady

Season's creepings! When it's just a few chopping days 'til Christmas, it's time to join your fellow Americans in celebrating the glory and beauty of the season by standing in long lines at the mall and maxing out your credit cards.

You can always pick up some Old Spice for your Grandpa, some bubble bath for Aunt Gertrude and whatever overpriced toy has been the most heavily promoted on TV for your eight-year-old nephew, but what about the monsters you know and love? If your shopping list includes any of those hard-to-buy-for creeps and creatures who help make Halloween so memorable every year, you might keep the following gift suggestions in mind when you're filling your cart at the local Megalo-Mart. And if you do shop for monsters, take a word of advice: Don't even bother asking the sales staff which aisle the Corpse Worm Repellant, Sasquatch Flea Powder or Eggnog-flavored Embalming Fluid is on. They never know. Now, on with my list of the most popular monsters and some ideas on what to buy them for Christmas…

Christmas Gift Idea #1: Frankenstein Monster
For a guy who's torn a number of people limb from limb, the Frankenstein Monster really isn't such a bad guy. Or at least he doesn't mean to be. It's just that he's painfully aware of how awkward and unattractive he is, and he's not very good at expressing himself in ways that don't involve screaming and violent fits. In other words, think of him like you would any average adolescent male. The Monster's electrically charged system seems to have eliminated any real need for food, but he's been known to enjoy a simple meal of bread, meat and wine anyway. If you call him "Friend" and share your holiday meal with him, you'll surely win him over. Just be sure he doesn't catch sight of anything cooking over an open flame because you never know how he's going to react to fire. Of course he's always in need of a new suit of clothes, but even the "Big & Tall" men's stores seldom have his size.


Christmas Gift Idea #2: Werewolf
Everybody thinks it's cute to give a werewolf a set of combs and brushes or super-size styling gel, but trust me, he's as bored with getting hair-related gifts as the average guy is with getting ties. Remember, he's human most of the time and only gets hairy three or four times a month, so he's probably already got a closet full of unopened hair-grooming items left over from the last 30 or 40 Christmases. Instead, why not give him some strong animal tranquilizers he can take on nights when the full moon is about to rise? (I know, you'd think he'd have already thought of that, but most werewolves never seem to.) Nice fresh meat from your local butcher shop would make a thoughtful gift, too. Most werewolves feel pretty rotten about themselves because of the terrible things they do while in wolf form, so a book on improving one's self-esteem might be welcome. He can always use a flea collar, but be careful . . . he's very sensitive about the whole flea thing.


Christmas Gift Idea #3: Mummy
This guy still has stuff he owned 3,700 years ago so he really doesn't need any more carved figurines or other bric-a-brac. He can always use a nice jar of moisturizing cream, though. And I should mention that he loves tana leaf tea. It's what gives him the power to move and walk around even though he should be completely lifeless. Kind of like caffeine does for mortals.


Christmas Gift Idea #4: Count Dracula
Hungarian or Transylvanian antiques seem to appeal to him. Other than that, he's a tough guy to buy for. He's usually content to wear the same old clothes, and somehow they always look like brand new even though nobody has ever seen him launder them. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before somebody invents vampire-friendly mirrors, and he'll surely be happy about that, but as of this writing they're not available. You could call around to the blood banks in your area and see if any of them offer gift certificates, but don't get your hopes up. That may be something he'll just have to shop for on his own.


Christmas Gift Idea #5: Leatherface
Leatherface's favorite gadget is, of course, the chainsaw. But he probably has a garage full of them already. Send him some nice fresh meat, or glue some bones together into little star shapes for him to use as tree ornaments. And as a last resort, don't forget, Leatherface is one of the few monsters who actually loves wearing ordinary neckties. You might have to help him tie it, though.


Christmas Gift Idea #6: Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees
If these guys are on your chopping list, you must have a very colorful circle of friends. You probably know that Michael and Jason are both especially fond of any kind of sharp shiny objects like knives, machetes, axes, harpoons, spears, corkscrews, etc. But if you indulge them by giving them that kind of stuff, you risk having to live with a lot of guilt later on when they end up misusing them (which they invariably will). So instead, I suggest giving them something to wear. Michael seems to like coveralls best and they both tend to prefer drab, dark colors. But neither of them is the least bit picky about their clothes and since they're constantly getting stabbed, set on fire and sprayed with bullets wherever they go, you can be sure they can always use some new threads. Jason's old goalie mask is looking awfully beat up these days so he might appreciate a new one from your local sporting goods shop. Michael, on the other hand, seems to have an endless supply of those off-white Captain Kirk masks. He must have a wholesale source.

Christmas Gift Idea #7: Christmas Gift Idea: Pumpkinhead
Isn't it obvious what this monster needs? For cryin' out loud, get the poor thing a meal! If he weren't a supernatural being, he would have starved to death ages ago. I recommend sending some groceries&emdash;including plenty of pumpkins&emdash;directly to him. If you get him restaurant gift certificates, the restaurant employees won't be happy to see him when he shows up to use them. (He's a notoriously lousy tipper.)


Christmas Gift Idea #8: The Phantom of the Opera
Antique violins and plastic surgery out of your price range? No problem. How about some sheet music (classical, of course) or, since he makes his home in the sewers, a nice crateful of room deodorizers? And if you live near a magic shop, don't forget he likes rope tricks too. Better avoid collectibles based on the Andrew Lloyd Webber stage play, though. We hear the Phantom is a little touchy about the fact that he's not getting any royalties from that stuff.


Christmas Gift Idea #9: The Creature from the Black Lagoon
This is always a difficult guy to shop for. Since he spends most of his time underwater, there's no point in giving him soap-on-a-rope or anything from the Men's Fragrances department. He also has no need for shaving supplies, bedroom slippers or car polish. He likes ogling attractive human women, so you could get him one of those Swimsuit Calendars. Just be sure to have all the pages laminated so he can hang it up underwater. Either that or make a deal with the nearest aquarium to get an extra-large container of whatever they feed their fish. Whatever you do, don't give him one of those novelty "singing fish" wall plaques&emdash;he's a little creeped out by those.


Christmas Gift Idea #10: Hannibal Lecter
He's a gourmet so some new cookware or kitchen utensils are appropriate, but if you want to encourage him to develop healthier eating habits, buy him a vegetarian cookbook. (When I say 'healthier', I don't mean necessarily healthier for him; I mean healthier for those around him.)


Christmas Gift Idea #11: The Invisible Man
You can give The Invisible Man most traditional guy-gifts like cologne, socks, slippers and such. But it's no use trying to surprise him. If you thought it was tough hiding kids' presents where they wouldn't sneak a peek prior to Christmas, you literally "ain't seen nothing yet." The Invisible Man might be right there in the room with you watching you wrap presents and you'd never know it. He might even have been there at the mall when you were doing your shopping. He might even have been there looking over my shoulder when I was writing this paragraph. But if he was, he blew a perfect opportunity to drop a hint about anything special he wants for Christmas this year.


Christmas Gift Idea #12: Freddy Krueger
Some people say Freddy doesn't like Christmas, but I think he must . . . after all, he's always wearing red and green, right? The fact that he spends most of his time in other peoples' dreams and can "dream up" pretty much anything he wants makes him hard to shop for. Buy him a book of horror stories. He'll enjoy reading them, plus it will provide him with a bunch of ideas for new ways to scare people. If he wants a certain specific gift from you, though, don't worry about it. He'll drop you a hint while you're asleep so that when you're out shopping and you see the item he wants, you'll know to buy it for him. Don't you wish you could do that?


Christmas Gift Idea #13: Godzilla
All I can say is if you were planning to knit him a scarf or some mittens, I hope you got a re-e-e-eal early start.

I hope the above list will help you pick out just the right gifts for the monsters in your life this Christmas as well as cause your relatives and co-workers to question whether you should be allowed to operate a motor vehicle. And remember, you never need to fear the ghosts of 'Christmas Past' or 'Christmas Future', but one thing that's still scary is shopping for a 'Christmas Present'.